92) Challenges of our dual roles: mother/experimenter, son/subject

Life with Sasha in an unlocked kitchen is chugging along but is not without its challenges.  One particular challenge relates to the dual roles that we each play.

We started with a partially unlocked kitchen (6 weeks)  and then transitioned to a fully unlocked kitchen (1 month). He's gained a little bit of weight (BMI increased from 87% to 88%) but so far, things have been pretty smooth, considering the enormity of the lifestyle change from just two months ago and the fact that he had been living with the "food police/lockdown system" for over five years. I have been trying to keep his diet consistent with how we've been eating for the last 2 years (lower carb) although I am pretty sure we are a little looser now in the last 6 months than we used to be (now going to more social gatherings which come with more access to higher carb foods).

Now that everything is unlocked, you'd think the sneaking would stop, right?  Technically, helping himself to food isn't really sneaking, it's just taking food since all food is accessible now.  However, I noticed that he had put some extra bread and crackers into his backpack yesterday.  With my "mom hat", I was concerned about his eating the extra food and noticed that he was choosing higher carb foods (we do eat whole wheat sliced bread in moderation and the crackers were purchased for his sister).  In my mom role, I wanted to take away the extra food and confront him about why he was packing extra food surreptitiously (the food was not in his lunch bag, but rather in another compartment of his backpack and yes, I was being a spy and checking his backpack).  With my "experimenter hat" I wanted to just let it go and allow the extra food and to consider the food he packed as part of the experiment since we are now in the phase of testing his satiety and ability to keep his weight stable with open access to food.

After much consideration, I decided to have a talk with him about the extra food he put in his backpack.  I told him that I saw it and that although he was certainly allowed to take the food, it was important that he do it openly so that we understand how much he is eating and what he is eating.  I told him that there was no need to be sneaky and asked him why he didn't just pack the food in his lunch.  He had a difficult time answering my questions so I provided options:
1) was it that he thought I wouldn't allow him to take the bread and crackers?
2) was it that he didn't want to disappoint me by wanting to eat more "carby" foods?
3) was it because he thought the foods wouldn't be a good idea but he wanted them anyway so he decided to take them secretly?
4) was he feeling more "head hunger" again and returning to his former self with feeling the need to eat more and resorted to sneaking it, out of habit?

I was calm when I spoke with him so he didn't melt down. He said that he had done it a few times before and wasn't sure of why exactly.  He said that he didn't think he was regressing back to his former self  because he denied feeling obsessed with food as he did in the old days.  He did say that he desires to eat certain foods that have typically been forbidden (foods higher in carbohydrates) which might explain why did took them surreptitiously. I told him (with my experimenter hat) that it was really ok for him to want to eat those foods and to eat those foods because he was now given the free will to choose and to manage his own eating. I know he heard my words but I also know that he knows how much I (with my mom hat) want him to be successful with the experiment (to eat moderately, keep his weight stable).  I have a feeling that he (with his son hat) wants to please me and that he must be feeling so much pressure to "do well" because he knows that I am writing a paper for publication on this experiment. I can only imagine how challenging it is for him to straddle his roles between being my son and being the subject in this experiment.  Similarly, I know that I also need to keep myself grounded with objectivity and matter-of-factness in conducting this experiment to ensure that I am observing accurately, behaving in a consistent manner, and not being biased in accordance to my (mom) wishes.  Discovering the hidden food and noticing my reaction and ambivalence in how to handle the discovery was a good example of how difficult it is to manage the dual roles we play in this experiment.  Although wearing my mom hat makes me want to control his food intake ("no, don't eat that extra bread!"), my experimenter role tells me to step away and let things happen naturally.

Only time will tell how Sasha does with his food freedom. All I really want from him at this point is to be honest and forthcoming with his eating and to make good choices. I feel that I've already done all that I can to provide him the opportunity to help: a good diet, emotional support, education about nutrition and a cutting edge medication treatment.  Now, my job is to stay out of the way as much as possible and hope that he can make good choices. As I write this I realize that this parallels the experience of parenting in general- we do our part to provide support and resources, we model and we teach, and then we do what is often the hardest thing of all- we step out of the way... isn't this all we can ever do as parents as we watch our kids grow up?